Bonded by Blood? Or by Choice?

7:03 PM Posted In Edit This 10 Comments »
Every once in a while there will be an article on adoption in the mainstream media. Usually it has to do with Angelina or Madonna, maybe Sheryl Crow or Meg Ryan. But this article that was in last week's New York magazine didn't focus on the celeb factor. It dared to ask the question, "Do parents love adopted children differently than their own offspring?" The article focuses on three families who all have biological children and adopted children (all of the adopted children happen to be from Ethiopia). Each family tells of different bonding experiences with their biological children and with their adopted children. One mother was sad when she didn't have an instant connection with her adopted child, as she had waited so long to meet her; another mother noted that she didn't bond well with her biological child due to his temperament and colic. Finally, the third mother stated that she felt having her biological son enabled her to imagine the love she could have for any child. So, when people have asked me (and they have!), "Do you think you will be able to love this baby like it is your own?" I promptly reply, "This baby is my own." J and I come from a long line of people who love friends like they are relatives, who blur the line between blood and non-blood. So, it honestly didn't occur to us that it would be possible to have less love for our adopted child than for a biological child. Geez... we intensely love our friends' kids like they are our own!

Dr. Aronson (the Orphan Doctor) is quoted in the article as saying this : "Questions about the mixing of different kinds of entryways into parenthood have been around for hundreds of years. It's a very ancient idea, from back when adoption was first conceived of, as the clan took on children of disease and war. Whenever people discovered they could love a child not of their own body, it was a shocking event." From my perspective, most people, deep in the recesses of their psyches, hold on to the idea that adoption is really second best. A 'Plan B' for people who can't do better by having kids the normal biological way. 'Great, but aren't you going to have one of your own?' or 'Wow! You are planning on getting pregnant sometime, though, right?' or 'You really should get the fertility testing done, just in case...' Don't get me wrong... I love pregnant bellies, I love new born babies, I am not even scared of birth. I also know that adoption isn't for everyone. But, I don't think there is one best way (biological pregnancy and birth) to make a family, and I think I may be in the minority on that.


I have mourned the loss of comparing our child's baby pictures to our own to find the resemblances. The conversations with friends and family about whose nose she has or whose eyes his look most like are lost for me. I will not be able to look at my child and see a little Justin or see something silly like the longer second toe that runs in my family. I acknowledge that this is a loss and admit that sometimes it makes me sad. But, the pros of adoption way outweigh the cons for me.


I am glad not to be anxious that J's asthma or my allergies might be inherited. I am proud that I will not pass down my short legs or acne issues. More than that, I am glad for my child not to have my tendency for depression and insecurity. I know he or she will come with a genetic package, but the thing is... I won't know much about it, so I won't be able to focus on it or use it as an unneccessary explanation for Baby B's behavior. 'You talk back just like your mom!' or 'You are going to be great at music just like your dad!' If I want to make those statements, I will have to wait until those behaviors are actually observed and noted! Many parents interviewed in the article stated that they have even changed the way they think about their biological kids because of their adopted children. They have stopped confining their bio kids to the traditional inherited box of family behaviors and started paying attention to what traits their kids actually do display.


To end, one more quote from the article: 'But blended families are by necessity believers not in faith but in works: the daily work of parenting, not the primacy of our origins.'


Note: Dr. Aronson will do our referral review and probably meet with us and the baby when we return home from Ethiopia! We feel pretty lucky to be close enough to use her as a resource as her knowledge of medical issues of kids from Ethiopia is extensive.

Shh... Don't tell!

4:02 PM Posted In Edit This 2 Comments »
My mom bought these as part of J's birthday present...

Which gave me license to buy these...

I don't know how kosher it is to start buying clothes for a child that you have never met, don't know the exact age or gender of, and are not sure when you will become his or her parent, but I have to start 'expecting' a baby some time... So, why not now?

Fate or What??

5:09 PM Edit This 10 Comments »
My most recent thoughts about Baby B center around the idea of 'fate.'

So many aspects of the adoption process are completely and utterly random. From what I understand, there are stacks of parent applications and (sometimes) stacks of kids and whichever parent and kid happens to be on the top of the stack get matched together and so on down the line. There is no thought given to personality or temperament. Only to requirements laid out in the parents' home study: age, sometimes gender, and number of kids requested.


As many of you know, I am Christian, but not necessarily the type that feels that God is overly involved with every aspect of my individual life. (Explanations of that are better had face-to-face or not at all :)) So, when I hear things like "The perfect one for you just isn't ready yet," or "Just wait. You will know that your child was just meant to be with you," it makes me pause and think. This also comes into play when we receive information about children who fit our homestudy criteria (infant) that are waiting because of inconclusive test results. Should we trust the random process? By pursuing a match with the waiting child, are we abandoning the child that we would have been 'perfectly' randomly matched with? By going with the waiting child are we messing with 'His timeline' or following down a path that we already feel is aligned with the principles that we have chosen to live by? Or, better yet, did we receive word of this waiting child because he or she is the perfect one for us? Should I take the bits of information about him or her that are appealing to me and recognize those bits as 'signs' that this child was meant to be part of my family?


Let me tell you... it is hard to look at a picture of a beautiful baby and think... "Are you mine?"


Note to mother(s): Yes, I do believe God has a plan for our lives and no, I am not saying that your words of encouragement weren't helpful. They definitely were!! This blog is just a forum for me to air my thoughts...
Another note to mother: Maybe I should just use 'Can she fit in the dress?' as criteria for evaluating waiting babies??? !! :)

**The Adams Family**

8:44 PM Edit This 6 Comments »
Over the past week, my parents and brothers came for a visit. In celebration of Justin's birthday, we went to our local Ethiopian restaurant. (Yes, we have a local Ethiopian restaurant. That is one of the beauties of living in such a diverse area!) Justin and I have eaten Ethiopian many times before. My mom has tried it once. However, the bros and dad hadn't ever given it a go. Dad was a bit leery, but J and I ordered for all! And... THEY LIKED IT! You can see various things on the plates in the pictures including chicken (on the bone, stewed in a yummy sauce), sweet potatoes and regular potatoes (the orange and yellow lumps), collard greens (Ethiopian style), lentils, split peas, as well as beef and lamb dishes. The folded up napkin looking things on the sides of the plate are Ethiopian bread called injera. Injera is a spongy sour tasting bread made from a starter that includes a flour made from a grain called 'Teff' that is apparently a staple in Ethiopia, but a little harder to come by in the U.S. They eat everything with injera. It serves as your knife, fork, and spoon. Which, as my brothers commented, works out suprisingly well due to the spongey nature of the bread itself.



We did plenty of other things while the fam was here. Probably another post on that to come. However, I'd like to point out that as of my posting today, we've been waiting 6 months and 3 weeks. I am thinking that in the next couple of months we'll start looking into immunizations. I know that some of them require multiple shots over a period of a couple of weeks/months. I also plan to interview the pediatrician that we found who stated that their practice has worked with internationally adopted children in the past. So, even though I am cautious not to put to much stock in the now-12 month waiting period, I will admit that it is time to start making some preliminary preparations.
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