A Natural Family

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In the past week, I've had two meetings with people working towards adoptions--specifically adoptions from Ethiopia. One woman lives in Chicago, her aunt knows my parents, we talked on the phone. The other is a friend of a friend who lives in my town and we got to meet face to face for coffee.

I just have to say that the ways in which adoptions bring people together are pretty much incredible to me. I feel like (*my* feelings--not to be generalized to anyone else) adoption spreads a web of connectedness between people who otherwise wouldn't be connected--a net that doesn't quite reach as far for people who form families through biological births. To me, this is because people who adopt, are adopted, or make adoption plans are the minority. One way for us to feel supported and empowered is to band together--to network, to connect. Maybe it is similar to people who deal with fertility challenges.

Regardless, other than immense significance that is my Kid, this adoption network--these connections--have been the most significant part of my adoption experience. Reconnecting with old acquaintences, meeting new people who are friends of friends because they are pursuing adoptions, blogging/reading blogs, and immediately being valued and accepted, being part of the group makes me feel...special.

I hope that other adoptive parents, adoptees and people making adoption plans make use of these networks and feel as included as I have.

Alright. I've got the urge to blog again. It is summertime (not that you could tell by the weather) so work is a little slower, Kid's growing and changing by leaps and bounds, J's finished the doctorate, and me... well... I've been thinking. Thinking often leads to blogging. Lucky for you :)

Let's see. I think some new blog goals are in order.
1. Vent about parenting challenges
2. Provide a soapbox for my ruminations
3. Of course--discuss adoption in the public culture
4. Think about ways to be a better person
5. Tell you about the weird stuff that I observe or that happens to my family

Stay tuned. Same bat-time, same bat-channel.

Well folks, my son turns one in a matter of hours. He is sleeping like the little angel he is, and I am reflecting on the past year of my life that he has been in existence and the past seven months that he has been physically with me. What an incredible time. There really are not words for the massive amounts of emotion that have taken over my body. I honestly have the most perfect kid on the face of the earth. I love being around him. I love who I am when I am with him, and I love watching my partner when he is with him. I have a 25lb brick of love... yes, a love brick, living and breathing, crawling circles around me.

I still mourn the loss of this year for Ayelech. She is constantly on my mind. I wonder what she would say about him, how she would love him, the songs she would hum when putting him to sleep, and the laugh she would bellow when he splashes his cuteness. I have her name permanently etched on my body. She is always with me.

We've gone from This:

To This:
I cannot fully express the amount of support and love I have received from the readers of this blog. I have posted my ups and downs over the past couple of years. From waiting to travel to life with baby--I've put it out there, and you've listened and responded. Thank you.

For now, though, I have decided to take a blog hiatus for an undetermined length of time. I have struggled with becoming a mommy blogger which in and of itself isn't bad, but just isn't what I set out to do or actually need from my writing outlet here. My current passions revolve around some social justice topics that are difficult for some people close to me to hear me talk about and I, frankly, am tired of feeling censored here. So, I am taking that as my cue to take a break. Who knows... maybe I'll come back anonymously or privately...

If you'd still like to keep up with us through photos and videos, please email me and (if I actually know you) I'll give you the link to our .Mac site where we upload that stuff.

Thanks again.

Love,
K

My current thoughts:

1. Is Em ready to go down to one nap? It takes longer to put him down, he does still seem tired, but he remains in pretty good spirits either way...

2. Why is Ken Starr trying to forcibly legally divorce the same sex couples who were married in California? I mean, we are talking 18,000 people here (or marriages, I forget)--but more than that we are talking about a whole lot of families. Not just grown ups making decisions, but kids who have to watch their grown ups be sad that something important has been taken away. Why do we always think about the kids last? This is not, to me, very Christianly.

3. I am settling in on the idea that there won't be a job for J this year in academia. And that it isn't personal--has nothing to do with his abilities as a teacher or scholar... We counted it up. There were half as many postings in his field this year as last year. At least 10-15% of those schools have since posted 'failed searches' due to hiring freezes and economic concerns. A good percentage of the total number of jobs did not even apply to what Justin studies anyway. Plus, a lot of people we know are putting out new people this year. So, it'd be good to stick around and meet them. Also, J's lucky enough to already have adjunct stuff lined up for next year anyway. Meh...

4. One party down, one to go. C & L's baby shower was yesterday and I think it went well. Everyone ate the food, laughed at the 'game,' and C & L got a lot of good loot. (including this machine that steams and blends foods... all in one... ahhh, if i'd only had that when i was making baby food...) Em's b-day party is Saturday, this week. Wow. I need to start thinking about how that's going to go.

my utility bill just came. $590. do i have that? yes. do i want to spend it on my utility bill? no.

my son ate an entire little tiropita (cheese pie with feta) and he is spitting up... in various places around the house. it is stinky.

i am gaining back my salmonella weight. it makes me feel weird. i don't like it.

i am tired of there always being laundry and dishes. i don't even do the dishes.

my son is constantly tired.

tomorrow is work and snow is forecasted. yuck.

chuck is in 3D tonight. i got my glasses. Yay!

Not quite. But close. J successfully defended his dissertation on Tuesday. So, after some edits and turning in a final draft, all of his committee members have agreed to sign off on it and he will officially graduate in May. I did my best to make a weirdly anti-climactic day seem climactic by hosting a small dinner at our favorite Greek restaurant, but J was mostly just tired and worn out from everything. I didn't even take any pictures... well, maybe one, but I don't have it here with me!

What's going on with me, you ask? Well not much but I have still felt totally overwhelmed lately. I am ready for J's paper to be completely done and off his plate. I am ready to know what next year holds for us. I am completely ready for Em to sleep through the night. I have been researching and refusing to pull the trigger on planning a real vacation (that doesn't include visiting any family members-- what?? those exist??) to a warm place where I can sit in a lounge chair, drink in my hand, snack on a little plate beside me, and read a book while getting burnt to a crisp. Aaahhhh... back to work.

What an historic day.

We spent yesterday evening listening to speeches by Dr. King and reading a book about Coretta Scott.

Today we're going into Brooklyn to watch the Oath of Office and Inaugural Speech with friends. We are very excited to participate in this event with others--with our family, but with other people around us.

So, grab your tissue box. Let the power of this day get to you. Let it sink in. Thank God-- For my son whose skin is brown and whose name is funny, for my family who thinks that service is important and American Values are more than traditional conservatives ones, and for me--a little white girl who carried around a black baby doll in a small white Indiana town. Let change come.

(PS--Thank God too for my mom who is sharing the inauguration wonderment with her 2nd grade class at a private christian school in Arkansas.)

Today was our last visit with Wide Horizons For Children. Our last post-placement visit. Wow. It was so anti-climactic. We've been working on this adoption for YEARS now... and to have our involvement with our agency be finally... well... over seems weird. Who will check in on us? Who will ask us about his development, what we are doing to remember his culture, how parenting is going? Crazy.

We went through several social workers while working with WHFC. Their NJ office has been in a transition period with a couple of long-time adoption social workers going off to do other things. But, we loved Laura Stevens who did our initial homestudy and really, I think, influenced who we are as adoptive parents. She asked the hard questions. Made us do some really challenging role playing about how we would deal with the 'race' issue. And, always followed up to see how we were doing. And, our post-placement social worker--Betty. We love her. She came soon after The Sickness (salmonella) and remembers Adu at his tiniest. She is Ethiopian herself and could sympathize with the long plane ride and has first hand info about the best Ethiopian restaurants and Orthodox services. She also knows about what is going on in Ethiopia right now including famine and genocide in the southeast region. We will miss her. I am hoping to do some volunteer work at her office as she'll be doing it all on her own for WHFC in NJ for a little while!

Here are some pictures of Emadu with her today:Don't think, though, that we are completely done with the adoption rigamarole...We are now tackling the re-adoption in NJ court. More on that later.

Apparently several people have something to say about ACT 1 in Arkansas. Check this one by the NYTimes (Editorial section, posted 1/5/09):

W.H., an infant, was reportedly removed from her parents by Arkansas’s Department of Human Services after she was taken to a hospital with injuries that strongly suggested abuse. Fortunately for W.H., her grandmother, a registered nurse, was eager to take her in. But there was a hitch. Her grandmother lives with another woman, and a ballot initiative recently passed in Arkansas makes it illegal for gay and unmarried heterosexual couples to adopt or become foster parents. Arkansas courts should strike down this offensive new law.

Arkansas has a long tradition of allowing child welfare professionals to decide who should become a foster or adoptive parent. Anti-gay forces, however, have campaigned to disqualify gay people. In 2006, the Arkansas Supreme Court struck down a regulation barring gay people from becoming foster parents.

Last year anti-gay activists promoted Act 1, a ballot referendum that broadened the ban to include unmarried heterosexual couples. In November, it passed with about 57 percent of the vote. The A.C.L.U. of Arkansas is challenging the new law, on behalf of a group of would-be parents and children, contending that it discriminates against gay and unmarried straight couples and that it makes it impossible to place children in the best homes.

The new law is undeniably discriminatory. Under Arkansas law, people convicted of major crimes, including contributing to the delinquency of a minor, remain eligible to adopt children or become foster parents. Single people who have no partner — or who have a large number of casual sex partners — are also eligible. Anyone who is in a committed relationship, gay or straight, but is not married is automatically barred.

The new law also interferes with the Department of Human Services’ ability to do its job of making individualized assessments of prospective parents and placing children in the homes that are best able to meet their needs. As the W.H. case suggests, an unmarried couple could be the most qualified parents. And because of the shortage of foster parents, the ban is very likely to make children wait substantially longer for a loving home.

Arkansas’s new law was a victory for the forces of bigotry and a major setback for the guiding principle of the law in adoption and foster care: the best interests of the child.

(words in bold, bolded by me.)

This is not to be interpreted as a rebellious attack on more conservative members of my family in Arkansas, but as a restatement of something I would want Em to know I feel strongly about if and when he ever grows up and reads this blog. (LOL! You know 'blogs' are going to be sooo uncool when our kids get older.)

This from the Arkansas Times:

Election Day Robbery by Adam Pertman

For many boys and girls, Election Day did not bring new hope; it robbed them of it.

That was certainly the case in Arkansas, where voters decided to slash the number of families available to provide safe, caring homes for abused and neglected children languishing in the state's foster care system. They did that by approving a referendum — aimed squarely at gays and lesbians — prohibiting unmarried, cohabiting couples from becoming foster or adoptive parents.

Viewed through the prism of what best serves the interests of children who need homes, the debate about gay and lesbian parenting (within or outside of marriage) is not a close call. The research is clear: Children grow up far better in families than in temporary care or institutions, and their outcomes are comparable whether their parents are straight or gay.

A new report by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, “Expanding Resources for Waiting Children,” which I head, points out some critical facts:

• About 129,000 children in foster care are legally free for adoption, and not enough adults are filling the need in any state; the 25,000 who “age out” of the system each year face a very high risk of negative outcomes such as homelessness, poverty, incarceration and early parenthood.

Gays and lesbians, studies show, are more willing to adopt children with special needs — which most boys and girls in foster care have — than are heterosexuals.

• Adoption from foster care yields between $3.3 billion and $6.3 billion in savings nationally each year, while a nationwide ban on foster parenting by gays and lesbians would add $87 million to $130 million in total costs for states to find other caretakers.

The report suggests that joint adoption (when both parents adopt at the same time) and second-parent adoption (when a partner or spouse later adopts the child) should expand from the handful of states where they are currently permitted for gays and lesbians to become the norm from coast to coast. The arguments for doing so are based principally on the benefits to children, ranging from health insurance to legal protections to the emotional security of feeling part of a “normal” family.

Because these arguments apply to marriage as well, many child advocates are concerned about the results of Nov. 4 voting in California, Florida and Arizona to allow only heterosexuals to marry. But the most direct, problematic result for children that day clearly took place in Arkansas.

While the referendum was aimed at gays and lesbians, it also removes qualified cohabitating heterosexuals from the pool of prospective adoptive parents. It is an audacious action that undermines the prospects for needy children to get homes, made all the more unnerving by reports that its advocates plan to build on their “success” by working to repeat it in other states.

Whatever anyone may believe personally about parenting by lesbians, gay men and unmarried heterosexual couples, can it really be acceptable for some children, by law, to be granted less of a shot in life than others? Most troubling, can it really be true that there are people who think a child is better off with no parents than ones who are living together outside of traditional marriage?

On the eve of a new presidency, if we as a nation are to bring real hope to vulnerable boys and girls who have so little of it, we need to finally address those troubling questions.

Adam Pertman is executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in New York.

The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute is well known for being a leader in the field of adoption advocacy and research.

Last night we were lucky enough to spend some time with some of our close friends who live in Brooklyn. Every now and then, we talk (*guilt?*) them into coming down to lame New Jersey to hang out with us and Em. They make Em giggle like NO other couple can. I don't know what it is about them and him, but we don't hear him belly laugh so much as when they're around.

We went to our favorite Greek restaurant for dinner. The conversation quickly turned to the rapid changes our group of friends is undergoing as everyone... yes pretty much everyone... is pregnant. Not me. Not my friend at dinner. But, pretty much everyone else. Now, it is one thing for one couple in a group of friends to have a baby (like me and J for instance), but it is different for most people to be pregnant and planning for little ones. It makes some people feel distanced. It makes some people feel closer together. It makes some people feel different, and some feel more the same. Moving into a different life stage with friends around you can be comforting or confusing. People who like to do the same things when they are hanging out pre-babies may have drastically different parenting styles or expectations when the babies arrive. How do people navigate it all? I guess it just takes extra work. We're lucky that we have friends with whom we actually want to do the work that is required to maintain worthwhile relationships.

Along with that, has anyone else noticed that there is something special about the first baby that you are close to after you're married? J and I got really close to one particular family not long after we moved here. They were not necessarily in the same stage of life baby-wise as us at the time. They were on their second who was born not long after we were introduced to them. But, man have we ever been very invested in them as a family and we still feel a strong connection to their kids even though they now live on the otherside of the world... I mean country. I think this may be part of what makes our Brooklyn friends special--they have a special connection to Em--the first baby they've loved as a married couple.

I think that it is these particular kinds of relationships that allow us to explore the idea of loving someone intensely who is not legally or biologically related to you. I know it was/is our relationship with our friends' children that solidified our ability to adopt.

The snow has come and gone today. Only half an hour until I am not primary on-call anymore... here's hoping that I get to stay in, warm and cozy in my pj's!

Em has decided to boycott sleep. The past *several* nights he has been waking up every couple of hours. He rolls to his stomach, outstretches his arms, and pops his head up looking around. He does not go back to sleep without help which usually entails one of us getting up to rock or cuddle him or getting him a bottle depending on how many hours it has been since he last ate, etc...

The reasons we've come up with for why this might be happening are the following:
* teething? yes, yes... my 10 month old still doesn't have any teeth so I'm not sure what 'teething' looks like for him as he's been chewing and drooling on things for the past four months.
* still off schedule from our onslaught of family members a week or so ago? (he does sleep best at night when he naps well during the day--it is all interconnected, right??)
* ready to transition down to one nap during the day? (this is hard to believe since he is still *tired* at 10 a.m. and 2 p.m. consistently.)
* the family bed co-sleeping thing doesn't work for him? maybe he's a light sleeper and would sleep more soundly if he weren't next to us. (also hard to believe b/c he was doing something similar although not as frequent when he was in the c.r.i.b.)

Thoughts?

Sometimes if you aren't watching, you don't notice the small and powerful things. And, as I have been accused of not sharing my spiritual moments ( :) ), I wanted to share one of the highlights of mine and Justin's Christmas experience this year. As you all know, from my previous post, our house was b-u-s-y busy this year with family and friends all around. But, in the middle of it all, very quietly... my littlest brother grew up. Now, he grew up physically a couple of years ago with a massive growth spurt. This was different. Without saying anything to anyone, he passed out socially conscious gifts to everyone. He ordered his gift wrapping paper from invisible children. He gave me Tom's Shoes. My dad Kibo Coffee. My mom a necklace made by a woman in Uganda.

It was quiet. It was beautiful. Don't think we didn't notice.

(Great... now I am teary eyed at my computer at work.)

Yesterday we schlepped into NYC despite the snowy rain to see Dr. Aronson for Emadu's 9 month visit. Turns out Em's doing well. Just like we thought. He is right around 50th percentile for height and weight and about 75th percentile for head circumference. He weighs 20lbs 13 oz.

Oh yeah... and he has some bronchitis like virus. I thought it was just a cold. Ooops :) So, we're nebulizing for the next week. He looks pretty pitiful, but daddy is a pro at the nebulizer, so we've got this locked down! Em's spent the day the way we all get to spend the day in the Adams Burton house when we're sick... in his jammies. It helps when you have really cute jammies :)

Next up: Planning for (and cleaning for?) both families to visit for the holidays. We'll finish up our shopping tomorrow, and then wrap and I guess clean the house...

I think I shared this article with the blog back in the summer when it was originally published in the NYTimes. However, now that we have been officially parenting for several months now, I thought it would be nice to revisit the article and concept of Equal Parenting and see how it has all shaken out.

The article is When Mom and Dad Share it All by Lisa Belkin and was in the New York Times Magazine on June 15, 2008. I was originally struck by this article because it articulated my and Justin's parenting goals and philosophies like I'd never read in print before. We tried to describe our parenting plans to friends and family and kept using the phrase 'co-parenting' which we soon learned is generally reserved for divorced couples who are sharing custody. But what we meant was exactly what this article says: Equal Parenting. We have since referred to the opening of the article several times wherein the mother, on her first day back to work after four months of maternity leave, lovingly gives her husband a list on a post-it before she leaves. The list contains their new daughter's daily routine--things she thinks he should know as he is going to stay home with her for the day. He promptly rips up the post-it note, and she got the message.

The message was something they'd agreed on prior to even getting married:
They would not be the kind of parents their parents had been — the mother-knows-best mold. Nor the kind their friends were — the “involved” dad married to the stressed-out working mom. Nor even, as Marc put it, “the stay-at-home dad, who is cooed at for his sensitivity but who is as isolated and financially vulnerable as the stay-at-home-mom.” We have had several 'list' moments where I've told Justin things he already knows about Em's schedule or needs, what we need at the store, bills that need to be paid, etc... He calmly reminds me that he is ripping up the post-it note.

This is how the article describes Equal Parenting:

Instead, they would create their own model, one in which they were parenting partners. Equals and peers. They would work equal hours, spend equal time with their children, take equal responsibility for their home. Neither would be the keeper of the mental to-do lists; neither of their careers would take precedence. Both would be equally likely to plan a birthday party or know that the car needs oil or miss work for a sick child or remember (without prompting) to stop at the store for diapers and milk. They understood that this would mean recalibrating their career ambitions, and probably their income, but what they gained, they believed, would be more valuable than what they lost.

Pros, so far, of this parenting style include:
*The space for me to retain my 'self' pre-mommyhood.
*Understanding of both partners of how challenging it is to parent
*Load-sharing; I think both of us are less burdened than we would be if one of us were PC (primary caregiver)
*Em grows up thinking that there are multiple ways to do things.
*A secure attachment to both of us.
***The constant reminder of why I married who I did. By which I mean, there are so many parts of J that are different than me. Bits of knowledge he knows that I don't know, methods of accomplishing a task that I don't use, preferences for foods and clothes that are different than what I would choose. All unique things that have been special to me and have influenced my attraction to him and my love for him. And Emadu gets to experience all of that as equally as he gets to experience the unique parts of me. I think ultimately that this is the greatest benefit. He benefits from having all of both of us. Not just daddy as a babysitter, daddy as the fun guy who plays. Not just mommy as the nurturer, the housekeeper, the career woman.

Still working on:
*Taking on my equal share of typical man duties like getting the oil changed.
*Finding a way to not roll my eyes when people comment on all Justin does for the baby. "Wow, he changes diapers?" "Really? He gets up with the baby in the night?"
*Not judging some of J's clothing choices for Em. :)