Guilt Revisited
7:12 PM Posted In race Edit This 2 Comments »
I have finally finished my papers for this semester, so I am allowing myself to get back on the blogging train again.
I have a couple of thoughts about the 'guilt' post by Swerl. There are things about adoption that I feel guilty about, but I haven't felt guilty about the decision not to share our child's family details with people outside our family. Our social worker talked to us from the beginning of our home study process about thinking about the adoption as a triangle. We are one point of the triangle--the adoptive parents, our child will be another point, and his or her birthparents will make the third. Each point has its own perspective from which it is viewing the process. Each experiences joys and heartaches associated with the events as viewed from its point of view.
So, as adoptive parents, it is important for us to consider how the other triangle points experience the adoption. This is where the privacy about our child's history will come into play. I agree with many of the commenters on the referenced blog. We probably won't tell more of our child's story to others than we have told our child. This does not mean that we won't want to talk to people about the adoption! This absolutely does not mean that we are not (already) proud of our child and what he or she has already gone through to be with us. But, it does mean that the reason his or her mother chose to make an adoption plan will probably be something that stays within our family until our child is old enough to decide how much of that information he or she wants to share with others.
Something J and I have talked about that was mentioned on that blog was our reaction to seeing multiracial families in public... especially parents who have children who are a different race than they are. We watch them. We look and we brainstorm about their lives and we hope that everything is wonderful. We tear up. We talk about how it will be for us. We wonder how it is for them. I will have to be more careful about this. I DO try to respect the privacy of these families... I have not once gone up to any of them to ask questions about a possible adoption. However, at this point, I am pretty sure that I will be OVERJOYED to be approached and asked about how we came to be such a beautiful family. I am armed and ready to politely shoot down any misconceptions or defend my family against any offense!
I have a couple of thoughts about the 'guilt' post by Swerl. There are things about adoption that I feel guilty about, but I haven't felt guilty about the decision not to share our child's family details with people outside our family. Our social worker talked to us from the beginning of our home study process about thinking about the adoption as a triangle. We are one point of the triangle--the adoptive parents, our child will be another point, and his or her birthparents will make the third. Each point has its own perspective from which it is viewing the process. Each experiences joys and heartaches associated with the events as viewed from its point of view.
So, as adoptive parents, it is important for us to consider how the other triangle points experience the adoption. This is where the privacy about our child's history will come into play. I agree with many of the commenters on the referenced blog. We probably won't tell more of our child's story to others than we have told our child. This does not mean that we won't want to talk to people about the adoption! This absolutely does not mean that we are not (already) proud of our child and what he or she has already gone through to be with us. But, it does mean that the reason his or her mother chose to make an adoption plan will probably be something that stays within our family until our child is old enough to decide how much of that information he or she wants to share with others.
Something J and I have talked about that was mentioned on that blog was our reaction to seeing multiracial families in public... especially parents who have children who are a different race than they are. We watch them. We look and we brainstorm about their lives and we hope that everything is wonderful. We tear up. We talk about how it will be for us. We wonder how it is for them. I will have to be more careful about this. I DO try to respect the privacy of these families... I have not once gone up to any of them to ask questions about a possible adoption. However, at this point, I am pretty sure that I will be OVERJOYED to be approached and asked about how we came to be such a beautiful family. I am armed and ready to politely shoot down any misconceptions or defend my family against any offense!
2 comments:
Kathryn and JJ,
I tried to read through your attached blog and couldn't get through it. I acknowledge and affirm your communication about your adoption to whom ever and whenever it is appropriate. i hope I am doing it right here. I am just so poppin' proud and can't wait for you to get the news and then travel and then have my grandchild in your arms. You both are awesome people. So caring and aware of others. The child you are given will be a blessed child! It will truly be a gift from the Father. In His plan. I have to admit that when I see families now made up of multiraces, I think of us and our family and how great it will be. I know you don't think there are many diverse situations here but surprisingly there are many adoptive families (some with and some without racial diversity) at the academy and I watch and wonder and pray and smile. It works for them . God took care of things and He will for us too. I JUST WISH HE WOULD HURRY UP sometimes ;-) I love you so much and am continually proud of you.
Go cloth!!! It is fun to watch your child playing and splashing in the toilet with the diaper you forgot!!! hahaha
i know that there are some diverse situations where you live, but... not enough for us to feel totally comfortable picking up and moving there! mostly racial diversity is what i feel is lacking from s-town, not necessarily adoption diversity! i love to hear about all the successful adoption stories that are happening right now in your community. i am so glad our family will have a model of successful adoptions to look to when we have our own completed.
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