Adventures in Parenting
5:25 PM Edit This 4 Comments »
I think I shared this article with the blog back in the summer when it was originally published in the NYTimes. However, now that we have been officially parenting for several months now, I thought it would be nice to revisit the article and concept of Equal Parenting and see how it has all shaken out.The article is When Mom and Dad Share it All by Lisa Belkin and was in the New York Times Magazine on June 15, 2008. I was originally struck by this article because it articulated my and Justin's parenting goals and philosophies like I'd never read in print before. We tried to describe our parenting plans to friends and family and kept using the phrase 'co-parenting' which we soon learned is generally reserved for divorced couples who are sharing custody. But what we meant was exactly what this article says: Equal Parenting. We have since referred to the opening of the article several times wherein the mother, on her first day back to work after four months of maternity leave, lovingly gives her husband a list on a post-it before she leaves. The list contains their new daughter's daily routine--things she thinks he should know as he is going to stay home with her for the day. He promptly rips up the post-it note, and she got the message.
The message was something they'd agreed on prior to even getting married:
They would not be the kind of parents their parents had been — the mother-knows-best mold. Nor the kind their friends were — the “involved” dad married to the stressed-out working mom. Nor even, as Marc put it, “the stay-at-home dad, who is cooed at for his sensitivity but who is as isolated and financially vulnerable as the stay-at-home-mom.” We have had several 'list' moments where I've told Justin things he already knows about Em's schedule or needs, what we need at the store, bills that need to be paid, etc... He calmly reminds me that he is ripping up the post-it note.
This is how the article describes Equal Parenting:
Instead, they would create their own model, one in which they were parenting partners. Equals and peers. They would work equal hours, spend equal time with their children, take equal responsibility for their home. Neither would be the keeper of the mental to-do lists; neither of their careers would take precedence. Both would be equally likely to plan a birthday party or know that the car needs oil or miss work for a sick child or remember (without prompting) to stop at the store for diapers and milk. They understood that this would mean recalibrating their career ambitions, and probably their income, but what they gained, they believed, would be more valuable than what they lost.
Pros, so far, of this parenting style include:
*The space for me to retain my 'self' pre-mommyhood.
*Understanding of both partners of how challenging it is to parent
*Load-sharing; I think both of us are less burdened than we would be if one of us were PC (primary caregiver)
*Em grows up thinking that there are multiple ways to do things.
*A secure attachment to both of us.
***The constant reminder of why I married who I did. By which I mean, there are so many parts of J that are different than me. Bits of knowledge he knows that I don't know, methods of accomplishing a task that I don't use, preferences for foods and clothes that are different than what I would choose. All unique things that have been special to me and have influenced my attraction to him and my love for him. And Emadu gets to experience all of that as equally as he gets to experience the unique parts of me. I think ultimately that this is the greatest benefit. He benefits from having all of both of us. Not just daddy as a babysitter, daddy as the fun guy who plays. Not just mommy as the nurturer, the housekeeper, the career woman.
Still working on:
*Taking on my equal share of typical man duties like getting the oil changed.
*Finding a way to not roll my eyes when people comment on all Justin does for the baby. "Wow, he changes diapers?" "Really? He gets up with the baby in the night?"
*Not judging some of J's clothing choices for Em. :)
4 comments:
I think I also blogged on this article when it came out...and while I feel like we have more-or-less equal parenting (and marriage), I felt like this couple's hyper-strict approach just opened up the door to score-keeping. I, too, am glad that I don't have to always pick out clothes or that Nick is as likely to change diaper/take her to potty as I am, I like it when it's more organic, and "fair" - which may or may not mean "equal" at all times.
But I think the fact that our marriage was already that way pre-kid (as was yours) makes it easier to parent that way...it's kindof auotmatic.
Cute pics from Boston - esp the great smile in the sink-bath!! Hope Jenn's feeling well!
WOW. I am totally floored by this post, and here's why: I have never heard of equal parenting before now.
In all my adventures in parenting, this is the first time I have ever heard of this concept.
NEVER. Never heard of it. Ever.
THIS IS FANTASTIC!!! What a concept! I mean, it's true; when women went into the workforce, they did not give up any responsibilities and men didn't gain any. To have equal shares of all responsibilities actually would take concentration, effort, and work, or else our culture forces us to assume certain gender roles. No wonder MOST women who go back to work have such a hard time... they are doing all that a "stay-home" mom does PLUS a career... and the husband isn't doing jack crap. a man who is willing to actually take equal part in it is rare...way to go, justin!
LOVE this post!!
I truly enjoyed reading your thoughts on the concept of equal parenting: especially the part where you talk about how Emmet would benefit by learning two ways of doing everything while at the same time NOT learning that only mothers nurture and only dads pay the bills. I'm off now to take Teddy to the pediatrician - more shots : ( .
Larry
Well, I should probably come clean here. For those who know me, this may come as a total shock to the system, but I still have lots to work on in EP, too.
I fall into habits very easily. While there may be a very good reason that K usually cooks (she's much better at it and kind of likes it most of the time), she still has to be able to know that I can step in and run the grocery list and meal planning for several weeks if she's got something else busying her. Being a habitual kind of guy, I have to be extra intentional about sharing that load, and I don't always make it.
I think a good measure of equal parenting is whether one partner very often thinks, "If I don't do this (ie, wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, fold the laundry) right now, it will never get done." Once that feeling sets in, everything dealing directly with the baby becomes much more stressful.
The cool thing is that whatever shortcomings I may have, I'm working with a partner who deserves better than me as an equal. Some of us are lucky like that.
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