Bonded by Blood? Or by Choice?
7:03 PM Posted In why adopt? Edit This 10 Comments »
Every once in a while there will be an article on adoption in the mainstream media. Usually it has to do with Angelina or Madonna, maybe Sheryl Crow or Meg Ryan. But this article that was in last week's New York magazine didn't focus on the celeb factor. It dared to ask the question, "Do parents love adopted children differently than their own offspring?" The article focuses on three families who all have biological children and adopted children (all of the adopted children happen to be from Ethiopia). Each family tells of different bonding experiences with their biological children and with their adopted children. One mother was sad when she didn't have an instant connection with her adopted child, as she had waited so long to meet her; another mother noted that she didn't bond well with her biological child due to his temperament and colic. Finally, the third mother stated that she felt having her biological son enabled her to imagine the love she could have for any child. So, when people have asked me (and they have!), "Do you think you will be able to love this baby like it is your own?" I promptly reply, "This baby is my own." J and I come from a long line of people who love friends like they are relatives, who blur the line between blood and non-blood. So, it honestly didn't occur to us that it would be possible to have less love for our adopted child than for a biological child. Geez... we intensely love our friends' kids like they are our own!
Dr. Aronson (the Orphan Doctor) is quoted in the article as saying this : "Questions about the mixing of different kinds of entryways into parenthood have been around for hundreds of years. It's a very ancient idea, from back when adoption was first conceived of, as the clan took on children of disease and war. Whenever people discovered they could love a child not of their own body, it was a shocking event." From my perspective, most people, deep in the recesses of their psyches, hold on to the idea that adoption is really second best. A 'Plan B' for people who can't do better by having kids the normal biological way. 'Great, but aren't you going to have one of your own?' or 'Wow! You are planning on getting pregnant sometime, though, right?' or 'You really should get the fertility testing done, just in case...' Don't get me wrong... I love pregnant bellies, I love new born babies, I am not even scared of birth. I also know that adoption isn't for everyone. But, I don't think there is one best way (biological pregnancy and birth) to make a family, and I think I may be in the minority on that.I have mourned the loss of comparing our child's baby pictures to our own to find the resemblances. The conversations with friends and family about whose nose she has or whose eyes his look most like are lost for me. I will not be able to look at my child and see a little Justin or see something silly like the longer second toe that runs in my family. I acknowledge that this is a loss and admit that sometimes it makes me sad. But, the pros of adoption way outweigh the cons for me.
I am glad not to be anxious that J's asthma or my allergies might be inherited. I am proud that I will not pass down my short legs or acne issues. More than that, I am glad for my child not to have my tendency for depression and insecurity. I know he or she will come with a genetic package, but the thing is... I won't know much about it, so I won't be able to focus on it or use it as an unneccessary explanation for Baby B's behavior. 'You talk back just like your mom!' or 'You are going to be great at music just like your dad!' If I want to make those statements, I will have to wait until those behaviors are actually observed and noted! Many parents interviewed in the article stated that they have even changed the way they think about their biological kids because of their adopted children. They have stopped confining their bio kids to the traditional inherited box of family behaviors and started paying attention to what traits their kids actually do display.
To end, one more quote from the article: 'But blended families are by necessity believers not in faith but in works: the daily work of parenting, not the primacy of our origins.'
Note: Dr. Aronson will do our referral review and probably meet with us and the baby when we return home from Ethiopia! We feel pretty lucky to be close enough to use her as a resource as her knowledge of medical issues of kids from Ethiopia is extensive.
10 comments:
sorry the post is so long...
I am so proud of you! This is going to my grandchild- from you and JJ- it is a choice- a desire you and JJ have- to adopt- to have children in your family- our family
I can't wait!
Love and hugs
gma cc
I think I wouldn't be able to handle reactions like, "You're adopting?! Do you ever plan to have one of your own?". I LOVE your response to questions like these--you immediately pinpoint the problem with questions about what's your "own". I think it's a bit ridiculous to ask such a question... as if adoption is automatically a plan B (though I know this is a preconception that I must admit to myself).
I have no doubt in my mind that you guys will love your baby with all that you have and all that you are. I like the idea (perhaps because I like to think the same way) that blood relations can be just as much chosen by us as for us... that my friends are in essence a family.
I know we've talked about this "own" question before. Being around families with adopted children and having members of our family that are adopted, there was never a time that I thought that the children were not the parents "own" children. People do not enter into adoption without a lot of thought, research, and prayer. It's possibly a more purposeful decision to have a baby than the biological way.
I have no doubt you and Justin will love the child as much as you are capable of--and so will we. I am so excited to have another niece or a nephew! And maybe they won't get the Burton temper. =)
--Jenn
I thought of you guys when I read the article. Glad to hear your take on it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. The article was great and really helped give me a better picture about adoption. I'm so excited for you and Justin, your baby will be lucky to get you two!
very eye opening post - thanks for sharing. btw: loved the outfits in the previous post - sooo cute and will look wonderful on baby burton once he/she arrives! :)
I have had people ask me if you & Justin can't have your own children. I tell them I don't know the answer to that; what I do tell them is that the two of you have such big hearts and want to help a child that is already born. My mom had a video of the Namwianga Mission and it showed babies and I teared up thinking about our grandbaby. Our family is so blessed to have a mission heart and as Jennifer said, to already have adopted children in our family. When Ken would go on mission trips in India, he would always come home talking about the children in the orphanages and how he wanted to bring them home with him. The only way your child will know it's adopted is that it will be a different color - I know I can't wait to love him/her. Justin & Jennifer have been blessed to have grown up with lots of people feeling like they were either their adopted grandparents or their second parents. There are lots of prayers going up for this grandbaby - I can't wait either.
Love you,
grandmama Diane
Don't be sorry the post was long. The post and the article were really interesting and thought provoking. One thing is for sure. I can tell that you and your hubby already love this precious baby. The cute little clothes, this blog, all of the anticipation you are feeling all testify to that. And when you see that adorable little face I am more than sure that this love will just explode to a degree you can't even imagine yet. God bless you guys.
thanks for the support, guys!
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