A Natural Family

One of our child's many aunties is having a birthday today. She has been a best friend of mine for many years now. I look forward to the influence that she will have on my baby's life, teaching him or her to appreciate all that is beautiful in the world.


Much love to you, Cara. Here's to a great year!

All said and done, the adoption will probably run about $23, 000.

It is weird for people to talk about money. It is okay for people to talk about socio-economic status, poverty, and/or greed, people who are ‘rich’, and those who are wasteful. Upon looking back at the list I just typed, it seems that it is okay to talk about money in the extremes and always in vague terms, but never exact dollars and cents. Why? It makes people uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable. I start comparing myself to others. They have more than me. What does that mean about me? They have less than me. What does that mean about me? About them?

What does this have to do with our adoption, exactly? Well… something.

First, it has been pointed out on a couple of blogs that I read that a prospective adoptive parent enters into an abyss wherein agency fees, country fees, and a few other fees are presented up front, but no one can tell you the exact cost of the adoption you are pursuing because there are all sorts of little fees that add up and these fees are always subject to change. This is a bit daunting (especially for graduate students). But, because the costs are nebulous and because people don’t really feel comfortable talking about money, adoptive parents can become somewhat isolated with this big burden. Yes, adoption is a choice. We take on these fees willingly and with eyes wide open. However, having multiples because you chose to use fertility drugs is also a choice. Choosing to be Pro-Life without any concern for what happens to the children after they are born is also a choice. So, just as these parents (parents of multiples and parents who forego abortion) are often helped with free-bees, monetary support, and social support during pregnancy and after birth, adoptive parents should be helped as well!

Second, this adoption process has forced us, in particular, to really examine our spending habits and develop (and stick to) a budget that works for us. Yay Burtons!

So what??? What can anyone do about it?

Here is a list (most of which is borrowed from this site) of ideas to help adoptive parents:

• Be educated about adoption so that you will be able to give appropriate emotional support to adoptive parents and baby. There are tons of books out there. Adoption is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know has been recommended.
  
• Give cold hard cash (or check).
• Offer a no fee (or low fee) loan
• Participate in Fundraisers/Patronize Adoptive Family’s Side Businesses: Babysitting or SAT prep classes anyone?
• Help with travel.
  o Miles/points/rewards can be donated. Good audio-visual equipment can also be used to document the trip and meeting with child’s birth family.
• In-Kind donations
  o Books for adoptive parent or baby’s library
  o Pass along savings: Coupons anyone?
  o Hand-me downs : Here is a shout-out to a family at our church who donated pretty much and entire nursery to us! Crib and dresser (along with tons of other stuff) taken care of! Thank you Haumans.
  o Be a work out buddy!: Pregnant moms-to-be naturally adapt to carrying heavy loads over a 9-month period. And, they continue to develop their carrying muscles as children grow from teeny tiny newborns to larger kiddos. Adoptive mothers, on the other hand, don’t have mother nature forcing their bodies into shape and often find themselves pulling muscles or seriously injuring their backs shortly after placement. Yoga, strength training, or outdoor activities are great.
  o Indulgences: Most adoptive parents have given up most of life’s little luxuries (movies, eye-brow waxing, pedicures, eating out, etc…). Treating them is one good way to show your solidarity.
  o Thoughtful notes—always appreciated. The wait can be long and a reminder of the end goal is helpful!
  o Prayers—for a trouble-free, speedy process. For health and safety of the baby and birth family.

***Disclaimer: This post was not meant to bully anyone into helping us! It was just written to inform people of the high monetary cost of adoption and suggest ways for people who aren't adopting to support people who are!

Just to build anticipation...

My next post is slated to be about adoption costs. Shh... no one wants to talk about it. But, I have never been one who waits until her opinion is asked before she gives it, so... get ready.

Love,
K :)

I feel a little bit like this picture... blurry.

Our agency hasn't received many new infant referrals over the past two months. Translation: We may be waiting longer than the projected 10-12 months for our baby. They have gotten a flood of toddlers into Horizon House, but only a trickle of infants. The agency has no control over the age of children that happen to be placed with them. Their only interest (appropriately!) is to find parents for the children who end up in their care.

I have to trust that this is the way things should be for us. We have tossed around switching agencies, but, in the end, I feel like we have to go with what is given to us with the agency we signed up with. Somehow I know that the universe will bring us together with the child that needs us and also know that that bringing together is not always on my schedule...

However, a longer wait time does bring up other questions for our family... how will this affect the job search? what if a job for J comes up prior to us re-adopting in NJ? what happens to the fees we've paid if we need to do post-placement visits with a social worker in another state? will we have to go through the whole immigration fingerprinting thing again (as they expire after 12 months)? AND... how will I pass the extra time?

So, Prayers that the timeline thing works out... Belief that this is a preparation time that is important... and Assurance that babyburton will be worth it all!

I have finally finished my papers for this semester, so I am allowing myself to get back on the blogging train again.

I have a couple of thoughts about the 'guilt' post by Swerl. There are things about adoption that I feel guilty about, but I haven't felt guilty about the decision not to share our child's family details with people outside our family. Our social worker talked to us from the beginning of our home study process about thinking about the adoption as a triangle. We are one point of the triangle--the adoptive parents, our child will be another point, and his or her birthparents will make the third. Each point has its own perspective from which it is viewing the process. Each experiences joys and heartaches associated with the events as viewed from its point of view.

So, as adoptive parents, it is important for us to consider how the other triangle points experience the adoption. This is where the privacy about our child's history will come into play. I agree with many of the commenters on the referenced blog. We probably won't tell more of our child's story to others than we have told our child. This does not mean that we won't want to talk to people about the adoption! This absolutely does not mean that we are not (already) proud of our child and what he or she has already gone through to be with us. But, it does mean that the reason his or her mother chose to make an adoption plan will probably be something that stays within our family until our child is old enough to decide how much of that information he or she wants to share with others.

Something J and I have talked about that was mentioned on that blog was our reaction to seeing multiracial families in public... especially parents who have children who are a different race than they are. We watch them. We look and we brainstorm about their lives and we hope that everything is wonderful. We tear up. We talk about how it will be for us. We wonder how it is for them. I will have to be more careful about this. I DO try to respect the privacy of these families... I have not once gone up to any of them to ask questions about a possible adoption. However, at this point, I am pretty sure that I will be OVERJOYED to be approached and asked about how we came to be such a beautiful family. I am armed and ready to politely shoot down any misconceptions or defend my family against any offense!